I had my first night alone in my apartment this last night.
The weekend started well. Sunday, we (me, Kels, Mario) got all the Ikea furniture built. What a pain in the ass. Everytime we would start to have a problem with something Mario would say “This is just a big FUCK YOU from Ikea”. He’s smart when it comes to putting together Ikea stuff. He starts by counting out all the screws and organizing his work area so he doesn’t get halfway through and he’s missing something. So he starts with my bed, and he says a couple of the screws don’t match the picture. Fine. I go back to I-fucking-kea to switch out the screws. The lady at customer service has to open a new bed to get the right screws, which still don’t match the picture of the screws in the instruction booklet. I have her open ANOTHER new bed to check the screws, and they’re STILL the same ones that came with my original bed. Needless to say, they were ALWAYS the right screws – the picture was just wrong. Thanks, Mario, for the unnecessary trip to furniture hell.
Finally got back, and we’re getting the second coat of paint up. The armoire is built, and the bed is about half way there. And then we see it poking out its creepy little head. Fucking roach. The night before I moved in, Kels and I went into the apartment to find roaches. Not just one or two, but a good handful of roaches. fucking roaches. I don’t do bugs. Period. So we find the nearest grocery store, get some roach bug fogger, and bomb the place. The next morning there were dead roaches – YES! But there were still live ones, too – DAMN!
Anywho. Blah blah blah, went back up to O’side and slept at my parent’s house Sunday night, because I needed to wash laundry and bring down my clothes the following day.
The following day
I took yesterday (Monday, the 2nd) off of work to finish moving clothes and whatnot. Packed my car up TIGHT, making sure I had everything, and I set out to leave. Halfway down to my house, I realize all the things I’ve needed but left behind. My alarm clock. My mouse for my computer. My comfortor. Shit shit shitty shit shit. Damn. Kelly meets me down at my apartment and she helps me unload all of my clothes. Thank goodness – i couldn’t have done it by myself. And then we find another roach. These fuckers dont’ even hide, at this point. They just kick it on the carpet. They blend in, too… little fuckers. They got Raid’ed, tho. Now everytime I feel something on me – a piece of hair brushign against my arm, or even my OWN CLOTHING, I’m convinced is a roach. Ugh.
So Kelly, being the awesome friend that she is, took me grocery shopping to get the “basics” for my first apartment fridge-filling. The basics – for me – being eggs, bread, soy milk, lunch meat and cheese; the basics – for Kelly – being french toast dippers, ben & jerry’s, apple jelly, almond joys and kit kats. That’s why I love Kelly – she won’t let me live without the fun stuff… either that or she’s trying to keep me fat. Either way it’s fine with me 
Back to the apartment – we hike the groceries up the hill and get everything in. And find another few roaches. Son of a bitch – this is SO not my fault. Kelly is putting away my groceries and swatting away bugs (note: slight exaggeration). She uses the bathroom real quick (’cause I finally have toilet paper) because she has to pick up her son.
The toilet floods.
Kelly says “There’s shit coming up that didn’t even come out of my BODY!” She plunges the toilet to DEATH, and water is coming up instead of going down. Not Good. Kelly, always handy around a toilet, turns off the water supplly and I get on the phone witht he property management company. Ugh. Turns out apartment number 7 and apartment number 8 have also called because of plumbing situations – whew – it’s not just me. Kelly feels like she made the flush heard around the world, but it wasn’t her – it was everyone else. She goes and picks up her son, and the stench of someone else’s SHIT permeates my apartment.
Lovely first day in, huh?
Around 4, the austrailian plumber comes and tries to figure out the problem. Apparently, I have the newest toilet, so he goes through my bathroom to use his snake thing, or whatever. Then he says he has to pull out my toilet to get to the clog. I don’t care, i told him to do whatever he had to do. So he did. So he gets all this big ass equipment and power drills and whathave you, and starts snaking the pipe. SHIT IS FLYING, literally, everywhere. He’s tracking it through my apartmetn by walking back and forth, and the bathroom floor is covered he sewage. That’s fan-fucking-tastic. I’m 3 mintues from gagging from the smell, then I remembered the orange air freshner Kelly convinced me to get. Thank the Lord. That saved me.
Then I hear this Aussie plumber on his cell phone in my bathroom “::insert austrailian accent::I’m still at the fucking Downtown job! There’s shit all over me! There’s shit all over the bathroom! There’s shit on the walls! There’s shit shit shit! I can’t do this, mate! Fucking old buildings! Fucking shitty old fucking shit covered buildings, mate! I can’t work on these things!::end austrailian accent::”
I go outside to congregate with my neighbors, who are also having plumbing problems. And then I see her.
Ponytail.
Lipstick.
Nose ring.
Five o’ clock shadow.
Yes, ladies and gentleman – I live across from a Trannie. A real, true-to-life Trannie! This is, by far, the highlight of my day. Her name is Summer. She has a cat named Jasper, and s/he’s my neighbor. OMG. Words cannot describe how much the toilet and shit smell was secondary. I LOVE GAY MEN. Not only is he gay… we can share clothes. OMG. I almost died and went to Lips.
4 hours later
My toilet is back in flushing mode, and my apartment smells like orange citrus and shit. Ugh. I could see if it was MY shit (no one minds the smell of their own brand – even though I’ve been known to offend MYSELF), but it was someone elses shit. Someone else I didn’t even know. The plumbers cleaned up a little, but the smell was still there – in the fucking carpet – from Mr. Austrailia and Pablo walking back and forth on my new carpet with shit and sewage on the bottoms of their shoes. Fuckers. Orange air freshner can only take you so far.
So today, I called the property managemtn company, and they’re supposed to get a carpet cleaner and an exterminator out to my place. Thank goodness.
Other than that – my first night on my own was great.
I had cankles yesterday. I don’t know why. I don’t know how. But my ankles were FAT AS HELL. It felt like I could prick my foot and water would just pour out. I don’t know how it happened. Maybe it was something I ate, or not drinking enough water, or eating too much salt. My shit was huge…