It’s Holly

In my lack of bloggage, i’ve decided to post a question that we’ve been debating in the office:

You’re a one hit wonder. Who are you and what’s your one hit? Past or present, it doesn’t matter. So far I’ve narrowed it down to three:

Would I Lie To You – Charles and Eddie
With You – Tony Terry
Mother Mother – Tracy Bonham

Who are you? What’s your hit?

Jonathan and I have mastered the art of the parallel conversation. It’s when you’re on instant messenger, and you both start conversations about two completely different things at the same time, and continute the two different trains of thought throughout the conversation. here’s one we just had:

***
::jonathan signs on with his away message on::

Holly: you’re not away

Jonathan: (Autoreply) In class… JTM

Jonathan: i’m in the bathroom

Holly: oh. fucking school. lol

Jonathan: lol

Holly: ew!

Jonathan: at school !

Holly: did you get an email from Laurie?

Jonathan: yay!

Holly: that’s sick. lmao

Jonathan: i did, i’ll send it back tongiht

Jonathan: the bathrooms are really nice

Holly: okay i just wanted to see if she sent it

Jonathan: and i had to bring my bag w/ me

Jonathan: so there

Holly: so, she’s only in paris for 2 days….

Holly: you’re on a toilet at school with your laptop on?

Jonathan: yay – i’ll try and see her

Jonathan: maybe

Jonathan: …

Holly: you have wifi in the bathroom stall?!

Jonathan: it’s HEC, balla !

Holly: well, if you can’t see her… can you just give her directions to sacre coeur n’ whatnot

Jonathan: with the amount i pay in tuition, that’s the least they could do

Holly: she booked a hotel in the 14th arrondissement

Jonathan: for sure!

Jonathan: i’ll talk to her tonight

Holly: parallel conversations. lol

Holly: okay good

Jonathan: lol

Jonathan: we’re talented

Jonathan: and i’m doing things

Holly: yeah… you’re having some sort of obtuse triangle conversation

Holly: between me and your bowels.

Holly: i’m blogging this, btw

Jonathan: haha… yay ! this is taking forever – i’m backed up like highway 5 at 7AM

Holly: LMAO

Jonathan: ok… gotta run !

Jonathan: flush, rather

Holly: okay! bah!

Jonathan: bah!

***

And that, ladies and gentleman… is the art of the parallel conversation. It’s tricky, but it can be done.

Kelly’s been attacked by Staphylococcus on top of her spider bite, so she’s been deemed Gimpy McGimperson as long as she has to use her crutch. Since her calf is the size of a football, I drove up to San Marcos to get her so we could make our weekly sushi trip.

Walking into Sushi On The Rock w/ Kelly is like Norm walking into the bar on Cheers – it’s where everyone knows our name. They know our names… or at least recognize our faces. We go often, but these past couple weeks we haven’t gone, whether it was my battle of the bulge (i.e. the Battle of Capris and Corduroy) or Ty being sick. So, for the first time in 3 weeks, we finally got back on schedule. We thought for sure they’d forget us by now, but of course Manager Brandon and Waiter Juan remember us. And Short Bus Boy was there, who has a crush on Kelly, I’m convinced.

Waiter Juan tells us about work and school and whatnot and takes our drink orders and menus (’cause why the hell do we need menus?). Then this big white dude comes around in a suit. Not big fat, like big “I’ve got muscles but I’m older now so I just look like a sasquatch” big. Then Kelly hit the nail on the head – he looked like a Mervyn’s underwear model. Not cool enough for Target or Robinson’s May… but you may spot him in your Sunday paper in a Big Lots ad. Kinda looked like this guy. Tina says it’s the “older dad underwear model” look. I concur wholeheartedly. So this sasquach guy comes by and asks us how we’re oding, blah blah blah… and me and Kelly look at each other like “Who’s the suit? we don’t know this guy… where’s Brandon?! Where’s Juan!? Who’s this sasquatch!?” So he leaves, and Short Bus Boy comes by and says “hey girls! remember me?!” (of course we do, Short Bus Boy!). Then we ask him who the suit is, and basically tells us he’s the new head of Customer Service, the owner’s bitch, and a big asshat. We concur wholeheartedly and tell Short Bus Boy how he makes us cower in fear because of his underwear model stature. He laughs. Then Manager Brandon comes by and we tell him we don’t like Mr. Underwear Model. He’s freaky. Brandon smiles and nods, but obviously can’t concur wholeheartedly because he has to be diplomatic and managerial n’ shit. But we know what he’s thinking. Then Mr. Underwear Model comes by AGAIN and tries to clean off our chopstick paper ( ::start tangent:: Kelly and I like to do origami with the paper that the chopsticks come in – we make little stars (::side tangent:: i’ll show you how if you wanna) – and all the usual waiters/waitresses/bussers KNOW not to take the chopstick paper until we’ve made all the stars… Mr. Undewear didn’t know the first time and took kelly’s paper, so she stole chopsticks off another table for the paper::end tangent:: ), but wins points by complimenting us on our origami skills. We still don’t care, he’s an asshat.

So, Waiter Juan tells us the special – coconut crusted shrimp w/ salmon and avocado. mmm mmm, bitches. So we try it. We’re not super pleased, but it’s tasty. It’s missing something… something sweet. I said it’s ponzu sauce… kelly says it’s eel. we conclude that it’s eel and ponzu sauce. Waiter Juan comes back and asks us how we like it, and we tell him how we feel:

***
Kelly: It’s missing something

Holly: Something sweet… ponzu sauce..

::waiter Juan rushes off and brings back ponzu, holly and kelly dip::

Kelly: It needs eel.

::kelly and holly peel eel off our other roll (slippery when wet) and throw it on the special::

Holly: That’s better

Kelly: yeah it is.

Waiter Juan: How was it, girls?

Holly & Kelly: It needs eel!

Waiter Juan: So, should I not recommend the special tonight? Do you think I should have them bring it out with the ponzu sauce? Should I have them put eel?

Holly: Well, let them taste it plain first… then see what they say.

Waiter Juan: Okay.
***

Kelly and I were like “Are they really gonna change the special because of us? We got CLOUT, bitches! CLOUT!!” We’re fucking superstars!

The rest of the meal was fantastical – except for the slightly less than perfectly crunchy kitchen sink roll. So close… but good either way.

Did I miss anything, Kels?

On Friday Kelly and I went to La Vache, one of our favorite French restaurants (their butter is ridiculous). After much debate, I decide on the Gnocchi with Forest Mushrooms and Kelly opts for the seafood pizza. Both wonderful choices. Our cute gay waiter brings us our iced green tea, and we chow down on some calimari. Good times…

Then the gnocchi and seafood pizza come. For those of you that don’t know what gnocchi is, click on that link. Basically, it’s little dumplings of dough made from flour and potatoes. Good shit. I’m eating some of her pizza, she’s eating some of my little dumplings from heaven… and for some reason, mid-meal, I remembered this joke that I never told Kelly. The rest goes (something) like this:

Holly: Did I ever tell you my new favorite joke?

Kelly: No, what is it.

Holly: How do you make a cat bark?

Kelly: How?
::Kelly, thinking to herself (as she told me later on), “how stupid is this joke going to be?”, the she proceeds to pick up her glass of green iced tea::

Holly: You douse it in gasoline and throw a match on it… then ::with hand motion imitating explosion, Kelly takes a swig of iced tea:: it goes “Woof”.

::half chuckle… then silence::

This is when Kelly holds up her hand, the universal signal to tell me to stop laughing so she’ll stop laughing… and then she starts crying. I’m like, shit… the joke wasn’t that funny, was it? Then she starts sorta coughing… like when you’re coughing but trying to hold it in… but she’s not holding it in, she JUST CAN’T GET IT OUT. Holy shit… she’s choking…

Holly: Are you okay?!

::kelly nods::

Holly:Holy shit, your lips are blue. Are you choking?!?!

::kelly shakes her head side to side::

Holly: Are you sure you’re okay!? I don’t know that Heimlich shit.

::kelly nods::

That was the longest 3 minutes of Kelly trying to gasp for air. Finally… she can talk.

Kelly: That iced tea went down all kinds of wrong tubes.

Holly: Damn, your lips were blue. ::laughing::

Kelly: The iced tea and the dough was caught in my throat. I was between choking and throwin up. That dough (note: gnocchi) was coming back up.

Holly: The gnocchi came back up to say hi. They were wondering what all the noise was about.

Holly:::Holly, pretending to be gnocchi:: “HAAAY girl!! What was all that laughin’ about?We just down here, tryin’ to digest n’ shit, then you go laughing and choking? What the fuck you laughin’ at?!”

Kelly: Please, don’t make me laugh… my throat’s burning.

Then we finished our meal and went to Extraordinary Desserts.

So, I almost killed Kelly this weekend. But I didn’t, thank goodness, because who would go eat sushi with me? That would suck.

Thanks for surviving, Kels. Did I miss anything?

Momma’s going back to the Philippines again. Sigh. She got my aunties with her, though… her “road dawgs”, so i’m a lot less worried about her this time.

Here’s another dip into the archives… one of my favorite moments from my mom, as told to me by my sister through IM.

Enjoy, bitches.

—–

Tina: oh man, mommy was telling us the funniest story

Tina: the manager lady of the dental office she works at has her 12 year old daughter there for the summer so she’s always like “Ms. Betty, can we go get lunch”, “Ms. Betty, can I go with you to staples.” or whatever

Holly:LOL

Tina: that’s not all of it

Tina: so they are muslim right

Tina: so the other day, they all went to a mexican restaurant and mommy got bbq carnitas

Tina: and the little girl was sitting next to mommy and she whispered “Ms. Betty, can I taste your carnitas”

Tina: and mommy was like “your mom doesn’t want you eating pork”

Tina: so mommy would take some meat and put it to the side and when her mom turned around, she put it in her mouth! lmao

Holly:LMAOOOO ooh shit

Tina: that’s not all

Holly: she goin’ to HELL

Tina: so the othe morning, the little girl goes “mommy i’m hungry, ms. betty, what do you want to eat?” so mommy goes, I want some french toast, bacon, etc. and she goes out loud “my mom won’t let me eat bacon”

Tina: “ms. betty, let’s go to ihops!”

Holly: LOL!

Tina: so they go and mommy get french toast and bacon and they get it to go and in the car the girl goes “ms. betty, I know which one is yours. Can I have one of you bacon?” lmao

Holly: LMAOOOO

Tina: it’s hilarious, you gotta have mommy tell you

Tina: so we were like, she had to be sneaking pork before or else how she know how good it tastes

Holly: Ooh SHIT one of us gotta blog that

Tina: it’s hilarious tho, I was crackin’ up

Tina: cause you know mommy don’t care

Holly: i know

Tina: she was like “my mom doesn’t want me to eat that” and mommy was like, “ain’t nobody here, eat it” lol

Tina: so mommy is her new best friend

Holly: oh, that’s funny shit

—–

How can you not love a lady that gives up her OWN bacon to the hungry?! That’s generosity at its best, y’all. And that’s why I love my momma.

(Note: I keep a little text file full of things that I can blog about, in case nothing interesting actually happens on any given day… this is one of them.)

When Damon would actually come online and keep me entertained at work (where you been, man?!?), we’d have super random conversations. Here’s one I thought was particularly amusing… short, but amusing.

*****
Damon: OH, remember when i asked you about if it would be wrong to talk to homegirl’s friend and everything?

Holly: ooh yeah, what happened?

Damon: well, im not really feeling the friend like that … she’s cool people, im going to try and help her with her music though

Holly: oh

Damon: but anyway, would it be bad if i started talking to her mom? LOL

Holly: LMAOOO
*****

Sorry to put you on blast like that D… but that’s funny shit.