It’s Holly

I like to buy things, for me, for other people, but mostly for me. Some things I skimp on, some things I’ll pay top dollar for.

1) What non-essential item are you not willing to compromise on?
2) What takes up more of your time than it should?
3) Coupons? (that’s for you, Tina)
4) Karma’s got a pretty good price, too. How’s she treating you?

Happy Friday. Happy End of November. Happy almost Chistmahanukwanzaka.

Answer in the comments.

yay christmas.

the tree in our office at work

One week ago today, I walked into my (now ex-) boyfriend’s house and found two used condoms in the toilet and the scent of another woman on his pillow, which was technically my pillow when I spent the night. He said he meant to tell me that day, that he wanted to tell me when the time was right – which apparently wasn’t that night, because he was perfectly content with letting me sleep in the same bed he fucked another woman in the night before, letting me smell her on the pillow, like everything was fine.

I would have never, ever considered him a bastard until this moment.

It all started off promising enough 5 months ago. We went out of our way to see each other everyday – sometimes twice a day if we could. I fell in love, hard. For the first time, really. Before him I had never trusted anyone enough to fall in love, but he assured me it was safe. I had been burned so many times, he knew that.

Speaking of burning, everyone tells me to burn everything he ever gave me. But he never gave me anything material to burn. He, on the other hand, has lots of things to burn. If the tables were turned, he’d have one hell of a bonfire. Sometimes I wonder if every time he buttons up a shirt I bought him, or any time he steps out of the shower on to the rug and dries off with a towel I paid for, or whenever he listens to a song on the iPod I gave him for his birthday, if he thinks of how much he disrespected me and the love I had for him. Most of me doesn’t care anymore, what’s done is done, and I’m making peace with it. But there’s still a small patch of my soul that wishes he would reach out to let me know he’s remorseful… that I wasn’t a complete fool, that there was some truth to it all, and that it wasn’t all in vain.

I knew it wasn’t working. Deep down, I knew. But it was so nice to have someone there, even though he really wasn’t. The thought of it was comforting. The idea of it was what I’d wanted for so long, it’s what kept my heart in it. I kept convincing myself it was just a rough patch, this ridiculous state of relationship ambiguity was temporary. But I knew.

This isn’t meant to put him on blast (although it is a nice plus), but as a reminder to myself of the lessons I’ve learned. I’ve gotten to know a lot about myself in the time we were with each other, as well as the true character of other people. I’m honestly not angry anymore – that’s just wasted energy. Once in a while I catch myself thinking “How could someone do this? How could someone treat another human being this way?”, then I have to snap out of it. It was never anything I did. All I did was love the best I could and give everything I had, what else can you do?

If he was smart, he would have stuck it out until after the holidays and at least got a decent Christmas present out of it. It was gonna be good, too.

Am I glad it happened the way it did? Hell no. But it happened and I’m learning from it every day. The power went out on Tuesday night, so I couldn’t do anything but listen to my iPod, sit in the dark and think. I think it was God’s little way of making me sort it out before the emotion of it all got the best of me. Someone once told me that we have to bear the burden of situations we sometimes don’t understand, because we’re strong enough to do so, while others aren’t. Some people just aren’t built for that kind of loss and heartache, but apparently I am. On the bright side (of this dark, niggerish cloud), I get to fall in love again eventually, and that’s always fun.

I’m gonna go get my chakra’s cleansed.

Footnotes to Myself – Lessons Learned:
Trust your intuition.
Don’t hold on and be afraid to lose something that’s already lost.
You’ll be able to trust someone again, you’ll just never trust *him again.
Don’t give so much so fast. Don’t fall so fast so hard, if you can help it.

After recent events, I figured it was time to re-visit one of my favorite books of all time – The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran.

It’s pretty deep – just a warning. This is one of my favorite excerpts:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

I mean, it just makes so much sense. How can you experience any joy without having been through the sorrow? Your pain comes from reminiscing when times were better, your happiness stems from having dealt with sorrow and being thankful for what you have. It makes me feel better when I think about it. All this pain I feel is just a means of giving me more joy to experience in the future.

so fuck him.

… is what some of my favorite songs already say so well:

i was burned, but i’ll call it a lesson learned. – alicia
i’m bruised, but not broken. – joss
what goes around comes all the way back around. – justin
we fall down, but we get up. – donnie
i hate you so much right now. – kelis

There’s a silver lining for every cloud… every dark, niggerish cloud.

Almost 4 years ago, I purchased Raven. Unfortunately, I ran that bitch into the ground. Real hard.

So, I got a new car. Is it bad that the main reason for wanting a new car was to get one with an iPod auxiliary adapter? Well, that’s why I got one dammit, but there’s so much more!

Say hi to Wentworth.

Keyless entry, push-button ignition, no tune ups for 105,000 miles. And he’s real pretty rollin’ on Ds. I’ll take real pictures soon.

I heart food. I love cooking it. I love eating it. I love sharing it with people I love.

1. What’s your favorite recipe to cook?
2. What food do you absolutely hate?
3. Which do you like more, cooking or baking?
4. Pick a starch: Macaroni & Cheese or Mashed Potatoes?

Answer in the comments. Happy Frickin’ Friday.

I love Wikipedia. The day I found out that you could type in “wp [what you're looking for]” into the Firefox address bar as a shortcut to get to WP, I peed a little from sheer excitement. Before I discovered StumbleUpon, Wikipedia was (and still is, really) my go to portal for educational entertainment. I was almost amazed how I could start by looking up “blue cheese” and an hour later end up on an article about the Declaration of Independence, just from clicking links within the pages (true story).

Needless to say, sometimes you just don’t know what to look up. That’s when I use the handy dandy “Random Article” link. Sometimes it links me to boring little pages about countries in Eastern Europe, but sometimes you hit the jackpot and get THIS ARTICLE.

Did you read it yet? Okay, you don’t have to read the whole thing, but at least click on it then come back.

Back?

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. That exists? Well, it’s legit enough to be in Wikipedia, so SOMEONE out there is doing it, right? I call this another case of Crazy White People.

1. If you could do anything tomorrow, what would you do?
2. I got you a jet for the day. Where are you going and who are you taking?
3. It’s a jet/time machine. What moment in your life are you going to relive?
4. The jet’s gone, so is the time machine. What are you *actually going to do tomorrow?

Answer in the comments. Happy Friday.