One week ago today, I walked into my (now ex-) boyfriend’s house and found two used condoms in the toilet and the scent of another woman on his pillow, which was technically my pillow when I spent the night. He said he meant to tell me that day, that he wanted to tell me when the time was right - which apparently wasn’t that night, because he was perfectly content with letting me sleep in the same bed he fucked another woman in the night before, letting me smell her on the pillow, like everything was fine.
I would have never, ever considered him a bastard until this moment.
It all started off promising enough 5 months ago. We went out of our way to see each other everyday - sometimes twice a day if we could. I fell in love, hard. For the first time, really. Before him I had never trusted anyone enough to fall in love, but he assured me it was safe. I had been burned so many times, he knew that.
Speaking of burning, everyone tells me to burn everything he ever gave me. But he never gave me anything material to burn. He, on the other hand, has lots of things to burn. If the tables were turned, he’d have one hell of a bonfire. Sometimes I wonder if every time he buttons up a shirt I bought him, or any time he steps out of the shower on to the rug and dries off with a towel I paid for, or whenever he listens to a song on the iPod I gave him for his birthday, if he thinks of how much he disrespected me and the love I had for him. Most of me doesn’t care anymore, what’s done is done, and I’m making peace with it. But there’s still a small patch of my soul that wishes he would reach out to let me know he’s remorseful… that I wasn’t a complete fool, that there was some truth to it all, and that it wasn’t all in vain.
I knew it wasn’t working. Deep down, I knew. But it was so nice to have someone there, even though he really wasn’t. The thought of it was comforting. The idea of it was what I’d wanted for so long, it’s what kept my heart in it. I kept convincing myself it was just a rough patch, this ridiculous state of relationship ambiguity was temporary. But I knew.
This isn’t meant to put him on blast (although it is a nice plus), but as a reminder to myself of the lessons I’ve learned. I’ve gotten to know a lot about myself in the time we were with each other, as well as the true character of other people. I’m honestly not angry anymore - that’s just wasted energy. Once in a while I catch myself thinking “How could someone do this? How could someone treat another human being this way?”, then I have to snap out of it. It was never anything I did. All I did was love the best I could and give everything I had, what else can you do?
If he was smart, he would have stuck it out until after the holidays and at least got a decent Christmas present out of it. It was gonna be good, too.
Am I glad it happened the way it did? Hell no. But it happened and I’m learning from it every day. The power went out on Tuesday night, so I couldn’t do anything but listen to my iPod, sit in the dark and think. I think it was God’s little way of making me sort it out before the emotion of it all got the best of me. Someone once told me that we have to bear the burden of situations we sometimes don’t understand, because we’re strong enough to do so, while others aren’t. Some people just aren’t built for that kind of loss and heartache, but apparently I am. On the bright side (of this dark, niggerish cloud), I get to fall in love again eventually, and that’s always fun.
I’m gonna go get my chakra’s cleansed.
Footnotes to Myself - Lessons Learned:
Trust your intuition.
Don’t hold on and be afraid to lose something that’s already lost.
You’ll be able to trust someone again, you’ll just never trust *him again.
Don’t give so much so fast. Don’t fall so fast so hard, if you can help it.
7 Comments
You have come out of this whole situation a much better person. Ever since reading “The Four Agreements” so many years ago, it has helped me realize that when people do you wrong, it’s not personal. It is something really screwed up within themselves. From what I have just read, that person is effed up real bad.
You are a great woman and when you meet your true soul mate, he will appreciate you and love you more than you know. I know this for a fact.
As for one of my favorite sayings (which I got from you) - The karma train is coming and he’s tied to the tracks!
“All a man’s ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the LORD.” -Proverbs 16:2
You are an amazing woman destined for greatness - pray for him girl because he will regret this mistake for the rest of his life, believe me.
Stay strong and YES - please believe you will get to fall in love again, and it will be more than you could have ever imagined.
Love you xoxo
i feel you, 110%. i was you, circa 2005.
rough times, man. rough times.
took me quite a while to get back on the horse.
if it makes you feel better, you can buy me
things to make up for the lack of someone to dote over.
I’ve been there a couple times myself. Being that I write, I make that my outlet by writing poetry or writing a journal of events just so I can read the reality of the situation I was in at the time. Later on, it reminds me of things I did wrong and why, when they call you in the middle of the night, I shouldn’t answer.
In any event, look on the bright side. The right person is still out there. Maybe its the Big Guy’s way of giving you the experience you need to know when he shows up.
Thanks everyone. Your support and encouragement means so much to me! I know I was good before, I’ll be better after, but hearing it from people that have been through it make it a little less lonely.
i <3 you guys.
Everyone is reinforcing what a wonderful person you are…which you are!! And telling you that this will make you stronger…which it will!! But no one is saying FUCK THAT NIGGA!! He’s a good for nothing, broke ass, wanna be lawyer, who has a small dick and a serious pair of man boobs. God bless you Holly for even fucking him to begin with cuz lord knows he will never have a good piece of ass again or experience love like you gave him!! FUCK HIM….and FUCK HIS MAMA (even though she was cool) for giving birth to his STUPID ASS!! We Love You Hols
What it do H? Fuck what has it been? We known eachother for years. I’m just gonna say what everyone else was too polite to say son, “Fuck that nigga!!!!” ok now that I’ve kinda exposed myself as the quasi ghetto dude that I am, just remember our conversation. Be more like me, I know I’m a little too business sometimes but sometimes you gotta go with your gut, and seperate your heart from your brain. Sometimes you gotta logically look at the equation say this shit aint adding up, cry for a minute get your composure kick a nigga in the nuts and say peace. I’m a leave it at that.
Ok I’m lying, I got more to say.. Let these dudes prove themselves. Shit remember 6 months may seem long in the days of J Lo and Brittney, but man muhfuckas used to be together for life back when marriage meant something…..and just be glad, it took my mom 20 plus years to realize my dad was cheating, imagine her pain.
Keep your head up you ole niggapino….
The Kid Rio